Life
Lately I've found myself falling into the old "My life is so pathetic" mindset. I know it happens to everybody on occasion, but it's increasing in frequency for me. And naturally I feel the hypocrite because I'm always ragging on people for being "so negative" (I believe those are the exact words I usually use). Not that hypocrisy is a new realm for me, but still...
I've found that part of it has to do with the fact that I never do anything interesting, I go to class, I go to work, I go home. The most exciting thing in my week is Games on friday at Heitzmann's. I enjoy it plenty, but should it really be the highlight of my life?
Another aspect of it is the romantic one. My definite lack of love life is getting me down a bit. A) I don't know any gays/queers/fags. B) all the guys I like are straight (most likely a direct result of point A) C) nobody seems to notice me ever (*sings* Cellophane, Mr Cellophane) D) I'm starting to realize that there's little reason anybody would like me, I'm so arrogant and self-absorbed, and a boring person and whiny. Sure, I'm somewhat cute, but that really doesn't make up for the major personality flaws. Who in ther right mind would want to date anybody so emotionally stunted as myself. Did I mention the bottled up emotions? I never talk about my emotions, I don't show my emotions to others, ever. Okay there was once and it resulted in my skipping a spanish class. You guys can attest to my emotional stuntedness, right? My most major emotional issue is that I refuse to discuss my emotional issues. But when I let things out... it's like when I snap and get really angry. None of you have seen it I don't think, it just happens all of a sudden, no warning or anything. One moment I'm perfectly normal and then something tiny will straw my camel and I'll be screaming at the top of my lungs. Not pretty. (Kelda does it too, but more often, and with less intensity)
People keep telling me to go to clubs or bars or go dancing, or going gay groups. I'm not a social person though, and I don't really join things, don't join in, it's not my thing. Nothing's my thing if you listen to me.
Part of it is also, and I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming you Keilah, that you always make me feel bad about forgetting things. I have a bad memory, yes, I forget to do things I said I would. I put things off until later because I'm occupied with something already, yes. I like to escape and thus ignore things sometimes, yes. I know I do these things, I already feel bad enough as it is. You don't need to make me feel worse about it. How many times do I have to say "I'm a bad person" before you understand that I know I hurt you sometimes. I know it's my fault. I've told you I'm sorry, would you just accept that I'm a horrible person and move on with your life? See, and now I feel guilty again because I know you're going to read that and feel hurt.
Sometimes I really don't care about life.
I've found that part of it has to do with the fact that I never do anything interesting, I go to class, I go to work, I go home. The most exciting thing in my week is Games on friday at Heitzmann's. I enjoy it plenty, but should it really be the highlight of my life?
Another aspect of it is the romantic one. My definite lack of love life is getting me down a bit. A) I don't know any gays/queers/fags. B) all the guys I like are straight (most likely a direct result of point A) C) nobody seems to notice me ever (*sings* Cellophane, Mr Cellophane) D) I'm starting to realize that there's little reason anybody would like me, I'm so arrogant and self-absorbed, and a boring person and whiny. Sure, I'm somewhat cute, but that really doesn't make up for the major personality flaws. Who in ther right mind would want to date anybody so emotionally stunted as myself. Did I mention the bottled up emotions? I never talk about my emotions, I don't show my emotions to others, ever. Okay there was once and it resulted in my skipping a spanish class. You guys can attest to my emotional stuntedness, right? My most major emotional issue is that I refuse to discuss my emotional issues. But when I let things out... it's like when I snap and get really angry. None of you have seen it I don't think, it just happens all of a sudden, no warning or anything. One moment I'm perfectly normal and then something tiny will straw my camel and I'll be screaming at the top of my lungs. Not pretty. (Kelda does it too, but more often, and with less intensity)
People keep telling me to go to clubs or bars or go dancing, or going gay groups. I'm not a social person though, and I don't really join things, don't join in, it's not my thing. Nothing's my thing if you listen to me.
Part of it is also, and I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming you Keilah, that you always make me feel bad about forgetting things. I have a bad memory, yes, I forget to do things I said I would. I put things off until later because I'm occupied with something already, yes. I like to escape and thus ignore things sometimes, yes. I know I do these things, I already feel bad enough as it is. You don't need to make me feel worse about it. How many times do I have to say "I'm a bad person" before you understand that I know I hurt you sometimes. I know it's my fault. I've told you I'm sorry, would you just accept that I'm a horrible person and move on with your life? See, and now I feel guilty again because I know you're going to read that and feel hurt.
Sometimes I really don't care about life.
