Graduation

So I graduated.

On a more interesting note, I've now watched the movie Saved! four times in the past three days.

Hurray

I like prepositions. I've been ending a disproportionately large number of sentences with prepositions lately. They're fun. Much fun.
I'm rememinded of an episode of Stargate when O'Neill says to the villain "You Bastard! You ended a sentence with a preposition!"

Ninth

May 9th has come and gone. Not uneventfully, but that's not for discussion here. However, there were no Kevin related things. I didn't talk about him, or the fact it was the cut-off date that entire day. I can't say I didn't think about it, but most of the thoughts were constrained to "No, I'm not talking about that today." And that was that. So, all in all, I think it was a successful anniversary of that event.

Something did happen last week, which I meant to post and then was all like "Agh, I'm lazy and have no time to do anything" which is a lie, but it did prevent me from posting this on Wednesday (when it happened) or Thursday etc. Anyway. Keilah and I had left drama festival and were waiting for the train at University Station. And there are these two other people there, a guy and a girl. And they randomly started talking to us, asking us questions, y'know "What school do you go to?" and the like. Then of course, the innevitable. I had my arm around Keilah's shoulder, so naturally...
"How long have you two been going out?" to which our response was
"We're not" but of course
"You guys are going out, right?"
"No"
"How long?"
"We're not going out" so the girl says to the guy
"Maybe they're seeing each other" so he says
"Are you seeing each other?"
"No"
"How many belts does she own?"
"I don't know"
"How long have you known each other?"
"Three years"
"How long have you been going out?"
"We're not"
"Why not?" and then I just go and say it

"Because I'm gay."

And there's a pause, the girl looks at the guy. She says, very quietly.
"I feel like an ass"

and then I add
"Among other reasons"
"You think she's fat, don't you?" she says
"Because she's not" he says.
. . .

It was all rather sudden. I said it out loud. I said it out loud. To somebody who didn't already know. Sure, I've confirmed when people have asked in person if I'm gay (why do I always want to type "if I was gay"? this puzzles me) but that's with a nod, or the word yes. And yet there, there on the train platform "I'm gay". I fucking said it, and I didn't think about it until afterwards. And I remember saying to Keilah that evening before I got off the train. "I really want a rainbow flag patch now." (to put on my bag)

Random Thingy

Look, a random quizzie.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Stalemate

I had a realization today. It concerns how I deal with conflicts. Earlier this year a friend of mine and I were having an argument, and as part of my coping with it I stopped listening to her song. She wrote and recorded a song that I really love, but because we were fighting I completely refused to listen to it. Today it came up on party-shuffle in iTunes, and I thought about that avoidance. I had been avoiding the song because it was associated with her, so I didn't have to think about her and our fight.

I'm doing exactly the same thing with my Porter issue. I've been avoiding everything about him for a year. And I've been refering to him exclusively as Robert Porter for the past 17.5 months. Robert Porter is not his name. Robert Porter is the faceless, souless demon I've been turning him into. No, his name is Kevin. This isn't the only example of this avoidance involving him, but it's the most obvious.

It makes me think. What kind of a person am I? How can I deal with conflict by ignoring sections of the world, parts of life. It'd be like deciding I didn't have eyes and walking around with eyelids clamped shut all the time. How can I forcibly avoid things in the way I do. I mean, it doesn't work, I can avoid things but that doesn't mean I don't still think about the person they're associated with. So what's the point.

Kevin (I almost typed Porter there) has been in my mind a lot lately. Because of the approach of the cut-off date and other reasons and such... but... I dunno. How do I deal with him? I can't just keep avoiding the issue forever. I'm trying to forgive him for what he did, but part of me can't. And I can't talk to him. I swore I would never speak to him again. I recognize that that's just more avoidance, but that is something I promised myself. I will not speak to Rober... Kevin, ever again. But that leaves me with problems, because no matter what happens there's still the knowledge that he did something wrong and that I'm punishing him for it. I can never fully forgive him if I keep this cut-off active, and if I speak to him again I'll be betraying myself.

I don't know what to do. Or if I should do anything. It seems I'm at a stalemate with myself. I should sleep. After all, tomorrow is another day.