Into the End
I don't know why I talk to people sometimes. Why I bother interacting with them or anything. Not all people, some people are understanding and will listen. And then others will twist anything you say, anything you mention into an attack. The comment wasn't even about this person, it was about someone else, but there it was, sticking it back at me. "if you answered hers, would it be any deeper?" I don't know. Probably. Maybe, maybe not. But it's annoying, because the one I'm talking to has the nerve to tell me about not opening up and 'being vulnerable' around people. Why the fuck would I want to be vulnerable? Why would I want to be weak in any way. Around people I don't trust. There are very few people I have ever been vulnerable around, and neither the person I'm speaking to, nor the other person we're talking about is one of them.
I trusted somebody once. I trusted him and he hurt me. I trusted him and now he has earned my hate. I found a picture of him the other day, in a package of photos I took on the last day of grade 9. Not even the actual photo, just the little thumbnail on the index print. I saw the little image and the rage came up. Over a year later and I'm still pissed off, I can't look at a picture of him or think a single thought about him without that rage. There is one person in the world who I truly hate. One person I hate, and he ruined trust for me. He ruined my ability to be vulnerable. I know I've never felt real pain and I'm just a whiny, bitching, emo teenager. He ruined my trust.
I'm supposed to put myself on the line and trust people? You want me to be vulnerable Sarah Beth? You want me to let my fears and pains out to everybody I know. Because everybody needs to know that I'm afraid of the world sometimes. Yes, I'm afraid. Because of what I am, because of the fact I admit what I am, even if only to myself and my friends. To people I trust, even if just a bit. Sometimes I'm afraid somebody will find out, I don't know who, somebody dangerous, somebody who hates people like me, somebody who hates fags. I'm afraid that my trust will be betrayed again and somebody will come after me and beat me or kill me. Is this what you think Lauren needs to know? Should I go around telling Reagan and Clarke and Leggit and June too. People I don't really know at all. You want me to be vulnerable? I'm an actor Sarah Beth. I don't open myself up. Acting isn't about anything real, it isn't about being vulnerable. Acting is about being something else, something other than yourself. Acting is about NOT being vulnerable.
I really don't know what you expect of me sometimes. You act so high and mighty. You call rehearsals for projects you insist are going to suck and then you complain on your journal that we dragged you away from your talks to rehearse. YOU decided we would have the rehearsal. YOU told us we all had to be there and then YOU complain when we actually rehearse. I say that Lauren's responses to the questions seem very surfacelike, and that that bugs me. And you turn it around and ask me "if you answered hers, would it be any deeper?". I know Lauren has opinions of me other than "hair". I know because nobody thinks that little about anybody. I have opinions on everybody I know. If they asked me what I thought of them and expected an honest answer, I would give them an honest answer. And you feel like you somehow have the right to be annoyed or angry at us for unexplained reasons and we're supposed to just comply to your logic? We have to submit to your world? We have to be part of your ticky-tack world? And you call me arrogant. You say I'm self-centered. Yes, I am. But at least I know I am. At least I know who and what I am and admit it.
I trusted somebody once. I trusted him and he hurt me. I trusted him and now he has earned my hate. I found a picture of him the other day, in a package of photos I took on the last day of grade 9. Not even the actual photo, just the little thumbnail on the index print. I saw the little image and the rage came up. Over a year later and I'm still pissed off, I can't look at a picture of him or think a single thought about him without that rage. There is one person in the world who I truly hate. One person I hate, and he ruined trust for me. He ruined my ability to be vulnerable. I know I've never felt real pain and I'm just a whiny, bitching, emo teenager. He ruined my trust.
I'm supposed to put myself on the line and trust people? You want me to be vulnerable Sarah Beth? You want me to let my fears and pains out to everybody I know. Because everybody needs to know that I'm afraid of the world sometimes. Yes, I'm afraid. Because of what I am, because of the fact I admit what I am, even if only to myself and my friends. To people I trust, even if just a bit. Sometimes I'm afraid somebody will find out, I don't know who, somebody dangerous, somebody who hates people like me, somebody who hates fags. I'm afraid that my trust will be betrayed again and somebody will come after me and beat me or kill me. Is this what you think Lauren needs to know? Should I go around telling Reagan and Clarke and Leggit and June too. People I don't really know at all. You want me to be vulnerable? I'm an actor Sarah Beth. I don't open myself up. Acting isn't about anything real, it isn't about being vulnerable. Acting is about being something else, something other than yourself. Acting is about NOT being vulnerable.
I really don't know what you expect of me sometimes. You act so high and mighty. You call rehearsals for projects you insist are going to suck and then you complain on your journal that we dragged you away from your talks to rehearse. YOU decided we would have the rehearsal. YOU told us we all had to be there and then YOU complain when we actually rehearse. I say that Lauren's responses to the questions seem very surfacelike, and that that bugs me. And you turn it around and ask me "if you answered hers, would it be any deeper?". I know Lauren has opinions of me other than "hair". I know because nobody thinks that little about anybody. I have opinions on everybody I know. If they asked me what I thought of them and expected an honest answer, I would give them an honest answer. And you feel like you somehow have the right to be annoyed or angry at us for unexplained reasons and we're supposed to just comply to your logic? We have to submit to your world? We have to be part of your ticky-tack world? And you call me arrogant. You say I'm self-centered. Yes, I am. But at least I know I am. At least I know who and what I am and admit it.
3 Comments:
Hey,do you need/want to talk, or just rant to me or something? I'm here. *big awesome hug for Kolyn Breck should he want one*
Wow. =P That must be your longest entry yet, lol... but it's good. I know what you mean about being afraid, lol... I tend to be pretty trusting, but I can't trust other people with stuff I can't trust myself with. Go figure.
i'm sorry i'm posting this a month after the fact, but i didn't read it until today, so sorry. this is lauren by the way, and i can't remember how i got the address to this. i think through the link to your journal from your comment to me. anyway, that doesn't matter. i just wanted to clarify some things. the surfaceness of my answers wasn't because i don't have a opinion of you, i do. it was because i don't know you. and i'm the daughter of a psycologist so i was raised in a way to not judge people and base everything on opinions, because that is how people get hurt. i also have in my own life been judged on opinons, with a depressed, suicidal, gay father, with a family that blames me, my mother and brother for my father becoming that, i also have been hurt by opinions of myself and my family. so i apoligse for that.
you also said that if people asked you for your opinion, you would give it truthfully. now there are few people out there who will tell you what their true opinion is of you. so i'm asking you koyln, tell me what your opinion is of me, i genuinly want to know.
and you can be vunerable, you just don't know that you are. that whole entry was a deeper probe into who koyln is than anything i've ever experienced in knowing you. i understand that you could not see yourself telling me all of your deep dark secrets, i'll be honest, i don't really feel like telling you mine either. but sometimes just telling the smallest thing, just letting a peice of ourselves go to the world, can open yourself up to new experiences. but there goes my psycologist mouth again... i almost feel like ending this with, "uh huh, uh huh, and how does that make you feel." but i won't. but i will say that every one has fears and pains and that usually, people are pretty receiveing of them. just don't let one relationship ruin the rest of your life. ...wow that's so cliche, anyway, i'm going to bed. please respond either here or on my lj.
Lauren
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