Stalemate
I had a realization today. It concerns how I deal with conflicts. Earlier this year a friend of mine and I were having an argument, and as part of my coping with it I stopped listening to her song. She wrote and recorded a song that I really love, but because we were fighting I completely refused to listen to it. Today it came up on party-shuffle in iTunes, and I thought about that avoidance. I had been avoiding the song because it was associated with her, so I didn't have to think about her and our fight.
I'm doing exactly the same thing with my Porter issue. I've been avoiding everything about him for a year. And I've been refering to him exclusively as Robert Porter for the past 17.5 months. Robert Porter is not his name. Robert Porter is the faceless, souless demon I've been turning him into. No, his name is Kevin. This isn't the only example of this avoidance involving him, but it's the most obvious.
It makes me think. What kind of a person am I? How can I deal with conflict by ignoring sections of the world, parts of life. It'd be like deciding I didn't have eyes and walking around with eyelids clamped shut all the time. How can I forcibly avoid things in the way I do. I mean, it doesn't work, I can avoid things but that doesn't mean I don't still think about the person they're associated with. So what's the point.
Kevin (I almost typed Porter there) has been in my mind a lot lately. Because of the approach of the cut-off date and other reasons and such... but... I dunno. How do I deal with him? I can't just keep avoiding the issue forever. I'm trying to forgive him for what he did, but part of me can't. And I can't talk to him. I swore I would never speak to him again. I recognize that that's just more avoidance, but that is something I promised myself. I will not speak to Rober... Kevin, ever again. But that leaves me with problems, because no matter what happens there's still the knowledge that he did something wrong and that I'm punishing him for it. I can never fully forgive him if I keep this cut-off active, and if I speak to him again I'll be betraying myself.
I don't know what to do. Or if I should do anything. It seems I'm at a stalemate with myself. I should sleep. After all, tomorrow is another day.
I'm doing exactly the same thing with my Porter issue. I've been avoiding everything about him for a year. And I've been refering to him exclusively as Robert Porter for the past 17.5 months. Robert Porter is not his name. Robert Porter is the faceless, souless demon I've been turning him into. No, his name is Kevin. This isn't the only example of this avoidance involving him, but it's the most obvious.
It makes me think. What kind of a person am I? How can I deal with conflict by ignoring sections of the world, parts of life. It'd be like deciding I didn't have eyes and walking around with eyelids clamped shut all the time. How can I forcibly avoid things in the way I do. I mean, it doesn't work, I can avoid things but that doesn't mean I don't still think about the person they're associated with. So what's the point.
Kevin (I almost typed Porter there) has been in my mind a lot lately. Because of the approach of the cut-off date and other reasons and such... but... I dunno. How do I deal with him? I can't just keep avoiding the issue forever. I'm trying to forgive him for what he did, but part of me can't. And I can't talk to him. I swore I would never speak to him again. I recognize that that's just more avoidance, but that is something I promised myself. I will not speak to Rober... Kevin, ever again. But that leaves me with problems, because no matter what happens there's still the knowledge that he did something wrong and that I'm punishing him for it. I can never fully forgive him if I keep this cut-off active, and if I speak to him again I'll be betraying myself.
I don't know what to do. Or if I should do anything. It seems I'm at a stalemate with myself. I should sleep. After all, tomorrow is another day.
4 Comments:
well, we are going to talk (if you don't mind talking), because it's really not something I feel like discussing deeply in your blog.
My own personal view is that I don't think you should talk to Kevin. I don't think you want to go back into a situation where you could very easily get hurt again. Maybe it's just my own thing about letting the past be the past, but learning from it, I don't know.
We should talk. And in person, not in messages like this where we're sure to misinterpret something...
Oh, and random note, I listened to Pieces of the Moon about ten times on thursday night when I was horribly frustrated with you. It was kinda odd.
I had something to say about this, too. Only, it's very hard to explain typing. Yeah, *gasp* there are things that are better explained out loud, rather than typed, because it makes more sense out loud. Sorta. But since when did anything I ever said make sense?
But since I don't see you that often and such, I'll try to type this out... and this would be expressly my opinion, for me in a situation like this.... I know I would regret it A LOT later if I never gave the person a chance to make up for it. I mean, who knows what would've happened...
But then, I'm really quite removed from this event, and I get the vague feeling that I forgive too easily by most people's standards. =P And I don't mind getting hurt again as long as I know that I gave them a chance to make things better. >_<;;;
So uh... yeah. I guess I didn't really help. ^_^;;; bye.
By completely ignoring the entire thing, but letting it rip you apart is not punishing him, it's punishing yourself. I wouldn't talk to him again though, nothing will be found there.
You've probably had you conversation in real life and maybe worked some things out for yourself, but I'm still here if you want. Here in real life.
The whole issue makes me sad, and I don't know why. why is that?
Am I the only optimistic one around here? XD Why is it that my opinion always seems to differ from everyone else's? XD Oh, well.
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