So close

Today is April 24. The cut-off date is May 9. That means there are 15 days left. Why, at half a month until the year, is that bastard dwelling in my thoughts so much? It's been 11 and a half months, and lately it's been coming up more and more. And I wrote those lyrics to try and cope with it, and they helped, but not enough. Then there was the dream two nights ago, that goddamn dream. And it's all like the dream, back in the fall when he was trying to talk to me, and again recently he tried. He won't stop. It feels just like the dream, I keep trying to ignore him, shouting and yelling to get him away, get him out of my head. But he won't go, won't let me have my peace. I just want that bastard to stop haunting me. Let me be. Let me escape.

Burn in hell, Porter. Burn. In. Hell.

The Masses

I was watching I, Robot today, which is, by the way, a rather good movie despite what you may have heard to the contrary. And in it the Robot go out of control and are attacking the humans (Geez, big fucking surprise, right?) Naturally you have the big mob of civilians that ends up forming to counterattack the Robots and when I saw that I felt prickles down my spine. It's not the idea of the people fighting the Robots or anything, it's the fact that they're civilians. Civilians, ready to fight, ready to die. No military uniforms, no organization, just civilians. In this world, in our sheltered North American world, we don't see that. Civilians do not, as a rule, form a group and fight, tooth and nail, against a foe. Sure we have gangs, but those are organized, there's somebody at the top of the foodchain, somebody calling the shots. But not so with simple civilians. It's awe-inspiring, truly, to see civilians doing that, and the only access we, as sheltered North Americans, have to it is through Television and Film.

Another example of it is in the miniseries Taken when the people who had been taken are facing off with the military. Those civilians, each and every one of them would have given his or her life to protect Allie, to stop the military from taking her. And it's the same thing, that frightening "I will die for this" mentality in civilians. Somehow the Uniform makes it seem okay, but in civilians... it's like a revolution. The people rising up, against the state, against the police and military. It's been said that nothing scares a government like its own people, because they have the power to remove that government should they see fit. We don't see revolutions in North America, hell we don't even see war on our own land. We have no idea what the world is like, no idea of the cruelty of humans, the ability to desensitize, the unity and bravery, the extent of fear, hate, love, joy. We have no idea. None.

All of that is said in the fact that civilians at arms is a foreign idea. We live in a fantasy world, a dreamland. We live here under the watchful eyes of the American Military that almost none in the world dare oppose. Except it can't last. Every dream has to end. How long do we have? How long?

When do we wake up from the dream?

XVI

Pope Benedict XVI.

I have a question. Are there not other names available? Why benedict? I think when you reach sixteen it's time to stop. Wouldn't you agree Louis? I'm sorry I can't hear you, you seem to be DECAPITATED! My point being there are other, less oft-used papal names Ratzinger (I'm not even gonna start on that name) could have chosen. Julius, there've only been three of those. Alexander has only had eight. Even Paul has only had six. Silvester. Romanus. Damasus. Nicholas. Stephen. Victor. Urban. Paschal. Lucius. Adrian. EUGENE! For god's sanguinious sake, CHOOSE SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

I'm done here.

Good News

Look, lines from a musical. I'd never be randomly quoting a musical, would I?

So what is this good news? Well I gave the letter/note-type-thing to my mum (actually I left it in her room when she was out, but it's all equivalent-like). And she's all good/okay with it, which I knew she would be. But of course knowing is different from actually knowing, right? Now I actually know and I'm all happy about it. One might even say gay. *beats self half to death with pepper grinder which is randomly nearby* Yes, that was bad, but it's good now, because now I know at least half of my family (me, my mum, and mi hermanita) are all good with it. It's nice knowing the people you love are okay with you being gay.

*snoogles people he loves*

Admit It

Some people know what this is about. Some people don't. I'm not going to explain it because I don't feel like it. These are song lyrics. I sort of like them. The title is the title of this post.

Once I was alone
Once I was hidden in the night
I didn't know which way to turn
Which way to go
Which way was right

And as the dark inside me grew
I couldn't keep it bottled up
And soon enough the truth came spilling out
Two words can be a flood

I let you look inside me
I let you peer beneath my skin
I let you know my secret
I let you understand my plight
You saw my innocence

Please
Tell me it's not my fault
Please
Tell me there's no way that I could know
Please
Admit the pain you caused
Admit the wrong you did me
Admit it

I can't comprehend
Why you would go against my will
You did the one thing I said not to
Told my secret
Makes me ill

You had no right
To make that call for me
To tell her what I'd said
You broke my trust
You broke your word
You hurt her

Please
Tell it's not my fault
Please
Tell me there's no way that I could know
Please
Admit the pain you caused
Admit the wrong you did me
Admit it

You show no remorse
For what you did
What you said
How you hurt me
You show no regret
You don't deserve
To have my friendship
To speak to me
To know me

I don't know why
You try to talk to me
I've cut you out
You're not part of my life
Not anymore

Not anymore

Please
Tell me it's not my fault
Please
Tell me there's no way that I could know
Please
Admit the pain you caused
Admit the wrong you did me
Admit it

Please
Leave me alone
Please
Don't try to call me on the phone
Please
Let me escape that night
Give me a chance to get away
Escape my folly
Escape you
Escape my mistake

Never

I never post anything here. I know there's a grand total of one person who actually reads this ever. Actually, that's not true, but I know there's only one person I am assured will read anything on here. I can assume at least two others will see it eventually. But it just seems to pointless to post anything here. Anything in my life that would go up here can just as easily be relayed to those three people via e-mail or msn, so what's the point.

I seem to only post here when I'm randomly venting. Or when I'm tremendously bored and need something to do. You can tell which posts are which. The former are longer, featuring several long paragraphs that seem to flow into each other. The latter are usually just a single paragraph where I say nothing. Not that the venting posts have any real content either, but at least they pretend.

Okay, I'm going to post actual stuff now. I want to tell my mum. Not a new development, no, but it somehow feels more important now. Because more and more people know, like Stogran. Is it at all apropriate that my humanities teacher know when my mother does not? And why do some of my friends know, but not others. I've known Abbey and Heitzmann longer than Krystine or Darcy. Why should B know when A doesn't? It's really the last hurdle, telling my mum, because after that I'll be fine. Once she knows it won't matter anymore and I'll be free to be me and have people shout slurs at me. But I'll be fine then, because I'll be being myself, and I won't feel reservations about ranting at people when they say things that offend me. And it seems so easy to tell her, it's just two (when contracted) words. Why are those two littles words so hard to say?

FIVE FUCKING LETTERS. Five letters, an apostrophe, and a period. 7 characters. I'm gay. It's so simple, and yet so hard. I have to tell her, but which way? Two words, or one letter?